Dissecting the mind of a typical Malala-Hater

image edited from creative commons

There`s the fascinating enigma that is the human mind. And then there is the typical Pakistani’s baffling mind. It’s sometimes impossible to imagine the amount of hate-mongering  my country folk can accommodate in their over-stimulated, zealous brains. I always knew excessive chai (tea)-drinking had its repercussions.

This is not a debate on why Malala should be honored for her Nobel Peace Prize. Nor is this a rant on feminism and gender equality. This is an attempt to understand the mind of a typical Malala-hater. What on Earth goes on in their minds? Let’s dissect shall we?

1. Psst don’t you know?! Malala is a CIA agent out to destroy Pakistan!

Admit it. You`re jealous. Don`t be shy. You know you want the limelight. All those years of watching Hollywood movies about the CIA and spies, this fetish has taken its toll on that limited brain of yours. All those years of posing in front of the mirror trying to smile like Tom Cruise, or pout like Angelina Jolie must amount to something, right? You can`t see straight, so you now  live your fantasy through Malala. You can come out of that closet of yours now. I hear there is a rehab for people suffering from `why-does-Malala-get-to-have-all-the-fun`. You’ll ace it!

2. Obama, oops I mean he-who-must-not-be-named also got the Nobel peace prize!

Tell you wait. Let`s make a deal. I will accept this twisted logic questioning the credibility of the Nobel Peace Prize, if you stop eating meat. Or if you are a vegetarian, stop eating vegetables. Because God forbid, many non-muslims and atheists etc. also eat these things. And surely that`s why you discredited Dr. AbduS Salam when he won the Nobel prize for Physics? Surely, he was not a version of the perfect Muslim your bigoted society rants about. Anyway, so I have a new diet plan for self-righteous people like you. Sand. Three tablespoons full, morning, afternoon and night. Pure grains of mother earth, without any western impurities. This could be a good source of fiber and when combined with water it might taste like pudding.

3. Malala is our enemy, America`s friend!

I see where you are coming from. After all, years of pent-up anger and hatred for the US is apparent in your actions and lifestyle. You love to eat at Mc. Donalds. Say what? Oh yes, you only eat Mc. Arabia because obviously it sounds more Islamic. Anything to do with the Arab world is a bump in the upward direction. You buy jeans from Levi Strauss & Co. Oh sorry, I forgot one important detail. You always keep your jean folded from the bottom like a dutiful Muslim. And let`s not forget the American perfumes you buy every year on Valentine`s day for your boyfriend or girlfriend. A beautiful day like that is never complete without your iPhone’s stark image capturing abilities.Lets just leave it at that shall we?

4. Why didn`t EDHI get the Nobel Prize? BooHoo.

Why did the chicken cross the road? What did the ant say to elephant? Seriously, is this your idea of a logical argument? Abdul Sattar Edhi is one of the most honored and respected people in our country and surely he deserves the Nobel Prize and an even bigger honor if there is one. But that is his fate and his destiny. Stop comparing apples with oranges. Go do something productive. Peel an orange, sprinkle some salt and eat it up. Maybe vitamin C will unblock that sinus and help your stuffy mind to think straight.

5. Malala should get an Oscar (Malala = Drama)

Sure. Why not? After all, she acted brilliantly  when she faked an almost-death from an almost-bullet and then recovered after hours of an almost-surgery. Oh but wait. Why do you watch the Oscars? Demonic unicorns and Obama clones sponsor them. Turn off that television of yours will you! Better yet, burn it, before they get to you too!

6. Malala has done nothing to deserve the award.

Let`s make another deal. Why don`t you get shot by a fanatic, get miraculously cured and then speak among the most influential people of the world at the UN for the basic educational rights of girls in Pakistan. You up for the challenge?  Or would you rather sit smug in your homes, cooking up far flung conspiracies that satiate your sadistic inclinations. Oh no wait. You pray 5 times a day, have a mehrab (prayer bump) on your forehead and say MashAllah and InshAllah in every sentence you speak. Bingo! You have the magic ingredients. Who cares if you cheat and lie in your work?Who cares if you make a pomp and show of everything from religious practices to weddings? Who cares if you gossip and spread vicious rumors? Who cares if you slander actors for their profession and then spend nights watching porn? Congratulations,  you are officially a better human being.

Malala, I`m sorry, but can you please hand over your award to the morbid bunch of cry babies our poor country has to tolerate.


Disclaimer: Since the arguments of all cynics of Malala are so random and pointless, it seemed befitting to counter them with equally far-flung and ridiculous notions such as the ones presented in this blog. Those who feel offended can do so by all means. That is the sole intention here, in case you didn’t notice. You know who you are.